Friday, September 28, 2012

Update on Those Bloody Shelves

They are finally up.

Where was our drill? We still don't know, but we borrowed one from my boo's brother. We didn't have the right bit to drill through the bracket so we could have holes that matched up with the studs. Improvisation was required.

Then, after we were finished, he found the correct bit in a bag.

The shelves look nice I guess, but one is about six inches farther to the left than I wanted it to be. I measured where I wanted them to go before I found the studs, and then once the studs were found, things got wonky real fast. Oh well.

This is my only real concern.

Are all my beautiful vintage cocktail glasses going to slide off and crash to the ground?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Tale of Everything Becomes Annoying

Alternate titles* - The Tale of When Romance Helps with Rocky Moments, Except That Those Moments Make it Difficult to Generate Romance and The Tale of These Bloody Shelves. Pick your angle. Choose your own adventure.

Sometimes being in a committed relationship is like torture, only it's torture that you signed up for. Some of us even spent years longing for it and thousands upon thousands of dollars celebrating it. But you better believe most of us didn't see shit like this coming.

Am I talking finances?

Am I talking about matters in the bedroom?

Am I talking about trust issues?

No, worse. I'm talking about my boo's inability to buy a freaking stud-finder when he says he will. Stick with me. There's a lot to go over.

if it wasn't clear, the gorilla is me.
Sunday evening - After many, MANY sweaty hours of working on some of my projects, I sat down to eat some dinner with boo. I desperately needed a shower, and it was getting late, so he offered to go to Home Depot for me to get the screws and a stud-finder for hanging the bloody shelves I bought from Ikea.  I read one too many horror stories about these shelves ripping out of people's walls, even when they used real bad-ass screws, because they hadn't screwed into studs. It was important to me that we find studs.  I made this very clear to him. Very clear.

Approximately 30 minutes later he returns. He says he's found just the thing. I say, great! With these screws and the studs we should be in business! He says, I didn't get the stud-finder.


I'll get it tomorrow, he says. He works next to a Home Depot, so this should be easy. It should take all of ten minutes.

Monday after work- I'm running approximately 8,000 errands while he is doing things like going for a freaking jog and nerding out to photoshop tutorials on youtube. I'd like him to find studs during this time, but he can't. And why can't he?


He forgot. So, that became errand 8,001 for me.

I finally got home at 8:15, one hour before I needed to get in bed, only to find that he hadn't thought to vacuum our horribly gross carpets before his mom's visit. (She stays over every other Monday.) He also hadn't thought to read my mind to know that he should do it.

Instead of screaming, “WHY DIDN’T YOU RUN THE FREAKIN’ VACUUM”, I managed to say “oh no, the carpets are so dirty! We need to vacuum before your mom comes”

He said it was okay, I said it wasn’t, he volunteered to do it. I sat in the bedroom eating gummy bears so as not to criticize him for not vacuuming to my liking.

Tuesday  - the shelves were not even close to being up, and the idea of getting dinner made and cleaned up AND putting up shelves made me feel stabby. That's when I remembered this -

My boo says, on multiple occasions, “I can help you with dinner so you don’t have to do everything yourself”

It occurred to me that if he helped my slow-ass with dinner, we could get to the shelf business a little faster.

I say, I need to ask you for help with dinner tonight.
My boo says, sure, I can help after my run.


I just can't even. Before I even got a chance to post this last night, we realized we don't have the right kind of mothafuckin battery for the mothafuckin stud-finder. I do recall that several months ago I came upon some of these batteries on clearance, only for my boo to proclaim "when will we ever need those?"

The time is now, it seems.

*a thousand thanks to my friend Cristina for input and title ideas!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Do You Ever Dream of Candy Coated Raindrops? I DO!

Do y'all love candy as much as I do? I fucking love candy. Kim Kardashian would smell a cavity on me if we ever hugged, I just know it. Sometimes I think I might be six years old. Give me some chicken strips, fries, and some candy for dessert and I'm goooooood. I also love chips, sooooo.

Remember this?
I bought a box of these tiny bags at Target. Now you can pack little tiny candy portions in your lunch!!!Target has all SORTS of candy varieties just waiting to be packed in your lunch, or your children's lunch I suppose. That may not be the greatest idea lest you end up raising a child that is a lot like me as an adult.

I bring two, which is 75 calories worth of pure sugary, chewy, fruity bliss.

Treat yo'self. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

IKEA Survival Tips

I lost my blogging momentum. AGAIN! I hear blogs are dead, so it probably doesn't matter much anway.

I'm having friends over next Saturday which has prompted me to (attempt to) complete many, many little projects around this apartment. One of which required a trip to IKEA. If you've ever been to IKEA, you know it can be a unique and strange hell on earth. Here are some tips for getting through it alive and with your personal relationships in tact.

That door is like a mouth, ready to eat you. via

1. If possible, go alone. 
If you don't really need help, go by yourself. Don't take your children if you can help it. You can move more quickly and don't have to worry about the potential fatigue, hunger, irritability, or generally otherwise unpleasantness of your companions.

1a. If you do go with other people, don't feel obligated to stick together.  Unless the other people are children.
This is especially true if you and the people in your group shop at different paces. Make a loose plan about when/where you will meet up periodically and/or keep your phones on you with the volume on if you need to call and find each other. Large groups move at a glacier pace, irritating themselves and everyone around them.

2. Eat first. 
50 cents to save your life
I swear, even if you ate at home, grab one of those 50 cent hot dogs BEFORE you shop. It may be located by the exit, but you can just cut over and grab one and then go back inside. This way, you will avoid becoming one of those people slowly floating around in some sort of hot-dog deprived, low blood sugar fog, running into people at every turn. (See number three below)

3. Watch where you are going! (Also known as, stop and look at the roses)
It seems like you should be able to walk at a leisurely pace while browsing the selections, but this is simply not reality at IKEA. You will bump into people. Other people will bump into you. I like to pick a little out of the way corner, stop, look around and survey the scene, and then walk over to particular items that look good to me. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

4. Skip the showroom
Here is where you get to business.
If you are going to IKEA for a specific item, go straight to it. If it's furniture, just make sure you know everything you need to know before you get there. (See number six below) If you do need to go through the showroom, try to stay focused. Save your energy for the actual reason(s) you're there.

5. Go rogue
Yesterday the aisles were packed with people. Large families mostly, and tons of children. Everywheres. In most spots, the areas where furniture and other items were on display were pretty empty. I skipped the aisles and walked through the display areas. Much easier. When I got to the marketplace area, I went against the flow of people and started at the end. People tend to follow each other, and if you break from the masses, you'll have more space to yourself to look around.

6. Be willing to accept the consequences of shopping at IKEA in the first place
IKEA products notoriously lack specific instructions, and all it takes is a quick google of "IKEA fail" to see that assembling and installing IKEA pieces can be a disaster. For example, I thought I had done plenty of research on the Lack floating shelves. One thing I didn't research was the best way to hang them or the required screws and such so they don't come crashing down. Of course IKEA does not provide the screws as there are all different kinds of walls requiring different screws! Of course! Wouldn't it have been nice if this had occurred to me yesterday? If you have your eye on a particular item, get Google's take before you buy. If you make an impulse purchase, be ready for it to be a more involved project than you realized.
A strong but understandable stance
If your trip is still a disaster after taking my advice, you can join the band* of people who've determined IKEA to be satan.

*they are, in fact, a band. as in one that plays satanic and bluesy music. they might not actually consider IKEA to be satan. learn about them and see original pic courtesy of the Icelandic Music Mafia. My ability to link disappeared halfway through this post so go to  Furniture pick-up area pic from here

Friday, September 7, 2012

It's the Freakin' Weekend - Make Yourself a Drink

Summer is almost over! (Don't you dare tell me that it's already over because it's after Labor Day and kids are back in school. Don't you dare!)

 Before summer is actually gone, you should take an opportunity to enjoy its bounty. By that I mean, you should take some summer fruit and mix it with ice and alcohol before it is too cold and too cost prohibitive to do so.

Skills, I like to think I has them.
While in Miami, I felt like it was only natural that I drink copious amounts of rum-based beverages. I also insisted on stocking the condo with fruit, less because I was feeling health conscious and more because it seemed like the right thing to do in such a tropical environment. The rum and fruit came together with mint in a glorious union known as the mojito. I made classic mojitos, strawberry mojitos, and watermelon mojitos.(See above photo, obvi) I suggest you make some tonight, and if you don't know how, you're 'bout to know.
I have this sitting on my vanity. I don't do yoga. Get yours here.
First you will need to make a simple syrup. If you want to get fancy with some sort of flavor-infused simple syrup, please, go nuts. I am going to put the simple in simple syrup. It's basically one part water to one part sugar, brought to a boil until the sugar dissolves and then cooled. It keeps for awhile, so if you make too much, do not worry. This will give you a reason to make more drinks over the coming weeks. In fact, make too much.

Muddle 1.5 ounces of simple syrup in a glass with a whole mess of mint leaves and a wedge of lime. I don't have a muddler so I use a spoon. Muddle the shit out of that mint, lime, and syrup.Some recipes will tell you to use the juice of the lime, but all sorts of delicious lime flavors comes out of the rind as you muddle. Use the wedge.

I leave all the bits in, though they do get in the way, so if you must, take out the lime wedge. Then add 2 ounces of clear rum and a generous splash of club soda. Ice too. Mix and serve. To make the flavored kind, add some strawberry slices or scoops of watermelon (or whatever fruit you want to use. probably not apples, though) to the muddling step.

I'm so vain I thought this post was about me and not the drinks.
That's it! Easy! Go get drunk!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Can We Talk About The Biebs?

Do you like him? Oh, you say you don't? Don't fight it. Resistance is futile.

Years ago when he was a singing, touring baby, I thought the whole Justin Bieber business was ridiculous. He told me never say never. I ignored him. But then what did he go and do? Ripped off dubstep and ran away with my heart.

skip that long silly intro. 

Oh, Biebs. All that good stuff is for as long as I love you? In that case, you will always be my platinum, my silver, and my gold. It's also cute that you think you'd be okay with us being starving, homeless, or broke. With all your zillion dollars, I'm not too worried, though it is a beeeeautiful sentiment. Just lovely.

Big Sean, I gotta say - certainly not your best work. Being someone's hallelujah does make sense though. I get you, Sean.

I still agree with my friend Adrienne (and this entire site) that he looks like a lesbian, and his hair is overrated. Kind of.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Happy Trails to Meeeeee - Santiago Oaks Regional Park

Down to just one car last week, I had to drive my boo to work early Saturday morning. Most of the fibers in my body wanted to stumble to the car in my PJs, but I threw some stretchy, ass-jiggle highlighting pants on and toddled to the car with sneakers in hand. I figured I should take this opportunity to hit a trail before it got hot. After dropping off the boo, I coffee'd up and resisted the urge to go home and get some work done on the couch.
I love the couch.
Despite the siren's call of a lazy Saturday, I drove toward the Santiago Oaks Regional Park which was recommended by a friend. I shared the road only with old trucks whose drivers were heading off to manicure the lawns and gardens of the expansive Orange County homes. The farther I drove, the more rural the landscape became. At least, it was reminiscent of a rural area but one that is very expensive. Turns out, this is what is referred to as an equestrian community. This explains the horse trails and stables and McMansions.  
Another oldie but goodie. Somehow, he did not make an appearance in the equestrian community
I followed the helpful signs toward the park and noticed several gated communities and 90s era (once) new developments that almost made me pause. Confident in my friend's suggestion, I continued on. The road narrowed, a horse and its rider were spotted, and suddenly there were trees everywhere. I gasped. I stared. I squealed. The park attendant asked if I might mind paying the parking fee and getting out of the way.

Who doesn't love sun poking through trees? Monsters, that's who!
Historic Orange Grove. Look but don't touch.
a leetle creek!
The OC Parks website will tell you that Santiago Oaks provides a sense of removal from the urbanized environment, and you know what? This is not a lie. Even just sitting in the parking lot, I felt so at peace I almost cried.

historic creek dam. not for swimming, damn.
it's all shady and tree covered and then there's this valley type thing out of nowhere!
for when you get thirsty. intended for horses, but hey.
I have nothing bad to say. No snarky jokes to tell. There was hardly any litter and no graffiti that I saw. Just a beautiful place full of people there for more or less the same reason I was. I give it five Haribo gummy bear bags! (out of 5)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Chronicles of Hairnia

If you know me in real life, you know that I have a ridiculous amount of hair. (Most of) my hairs are thick and wavy, and there are a lot of them. They are also greying rapidly, which is introducing a new, wiry texture into the mix.
This may as well be a picture of me, only I have more hair
In spite of all this hair and yet also because of it, I am a pretty low maintenance chick. There is too much hair to ignore altogether, and it looks good when I put in the effort. I mean, I didn't win "Best Hair" in 8th grade for no reason. However, when it's been awhile since my last cut, it can take me 60-90 minutes to blow it out. I won't lie and say I don't have that kind of time, but I'd rather spend it watching Bravo.
it had been awhile, and that was no laughing matter
Given all of this, it is of utmost importance that I go to a stylist that can take out some of the weight and style it in a way that looks good wavy, curlyish, or blown out. All this while avoiding the grow-out crisis - about two weeks after visiting the salon, the top of my head gets this strange, fuzzy, puffy quality as the hairs grow out.

It took 10 minutes to wash by this point.
However, a good haircut is only half the battle. There are also the products and every day styling to deal with. During Memorial Day weekend I visited a battleground the likes of which I had never seen - Miami. I armed myself with frizz-ease serum, frizz-ease hairspray, and gel.
frizz-ease serum, some gel, and hairspray. and i was drunk
I was very pleased with the performance of the frizz-ease and other products. By 3:30 a.m., after dancing, sweating, and a drunken pizza run, it pretty much looked the same. I would recommend the serum to any curly headed people existing in very humid places. I divided my hair in three sections and used one pump of serum for each section, but most people could get by with one pump for all their hairs.

I also took the advice of my soulmate Susan who told me to swim in the ocean and let the ocean's salt water do its work. Let's compare.

salt water, and I was not drunk
It's a lot frizzier, obviously, but it photographs okay. The texture was not great in real life, and it got super tangled. Would I recommend it? Mmm, I would say if you don't have time to wash and style your hair after a day at the beach, don't sweat it! Let the public see what real "beach waves" look like. If you do have the time, wash your hair.

Do you have thick hair, thin hair, lots of thin hairs, a few thick hairs? Wavy, bone straight? What is your hair routine and maintenance like? Spill ya guts.

thanks for the pic, Babylon Sisters!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Broken Down in MX - Worth It For The Big Metal Animals

You are probably still recuperating from the excitement of my weekend "hike", but there is more from last weekend that you need to know about. I'm talkin family, lobsters, border towns + border patrol, big metal animals, and broken down cars.
Not as maravilloso of a tiempo as I had hoped, Pat.
My in-laws are on a Baja California kick for some reason, and last weekend the plan was to drive down there and do the following: church in Tijuana, hit up our favorite jugo stand, drive to Puerto Nuevo for a lobster lunch, horseback ride on the beach in Rosarito, wait for four hours to cross the border, go home.
Sunday Fun Day!
As we made our way through the beach cities toward Puerto Nuevo, I was ecstatic to see a generous selection of big metal animals. I instantly thought of the first post that brought me to The Bloggess and started snapping pictures thinking, "she's going to be so proud!" If you don't know what I'm talking about, you better click on that link and educate yourself. Before you wreck yourself.
"Knock-knock, motherfucker" via the link above
I intended to write a post about all the fun we had and all the (metal) animals I saw. We went to church. Drank juice. Ate lobster. Rode horses on the beach. All accordingly to plan, until! Our car broke down, still in Rosarito, requiring that we take a bus back to the border, cross on foot, and find a bus back to Orange County. A bus that was searched by Border Patrol. After that, I thought I might post a lengthy complaint about that experience, but then what would become of my metal animals? Nay, I shall push my suffering aside and show you their splendor as originally intended.
"dinosaurs and giraffes not to scale"
peep the more traditional artesania to the left
giant horses to pull an even gianter wagon
"hey jake, won't this look perfect in the front yard? help me strap it to the van"
Not giant, and from my neighborhood Ross, but still good.
Mexico - a country known for its artisan crafts like alebrijes and the ever popular talavara tile. In Mexico you can buy up enough artisan goods to make your house look like a real life hacienda! Thanks to the emerging giant animal trend, you can now also make your house look like a theme park. Or Jurassic Park.

I'm on my way back there today, so let me know if you'd like me to inquire about prices!
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