Thursday, November 3, 2011

Kim Kardashian: Did I Spy a Baby Bump?

Oh, no, she's probably just wearing some Spanx. Despite being applauded as the roll-smoothing, tummy-flattening miracle undergarment, I have recently come to the realization that all Spanx do is create the illusion of a baby bump. Also, sometimes they look too Add Videomuch like a vagina. I will be silent about this issue no more. Here is my Spanx chronicle.

My relationship with Spanx began when I wore some to my senior prom. (Kyle L, it's a good thing you didn't try to see what was up under ma dress! Surely you would have been disappointed.) I thought it was a genius idea. I thought I looked so much slimmer! And I didn't have to wait for a special occassion to wear them again! I could wear them under anything, so I did. I wore those Spanx OUT. Specifically, I remember I even once wore them with a pair of capris, just like the back of the box said I could/should. Oh boy. I didn't layer my shirts with camisoles yet, so I can only imagine that the Spanx were sticking out of the back of my pants when I sat down. To my advanced biology class in particular, I am soooooooo sorry.

you can even fake a pregnancy!

I brought those Spanx out a lot over the next few years, mostly wearing them under dresses when I wanted to smooth all my ripples out. Ripples, rolls, pudge, curves, whatever you want to call them. I think there were times when that actually did me some good, but now that I've made the baby bump realization, those times were probably few. When I went to see my the undergarment fairy godmother at Nordstrom in 2009, I stepped my Spanx game way up. My first pair had been the standard knee-length spandex tummyandunintentionallyass-flatteners with capri-length pantyhose material attached. Fairy godmother said, ass flattening no more! Try the seamless mid-thigh bodysuit that attaches to your bra! Don't worry, the crotch is open so you can still go pee!

Once again, I thought I had found such a perfect solution. I was nearly 20 pounds thinner than I am now and just wanted something to avoid VPL and that unsightly silhouette of belly button hole that even thin women sometimes have in a slinky dress. But looking back, even as thin as I was, I looked like I had A GD BABY BUMP! You might be asking, Kelly, how can this be? I've seen the before and after shots! You're crazy! No, you bitch, I'm not. If you are already skinny and you want to wear Spanx to smooth out your non-roll, go right ahead. But for me, a woman with two tummy rolls (one mini, one full size), all the Spanx do is turn it into one large, smooth, round bump of self. As if that weren't bad enough, the "cotton double gusset for comfort and ease when nature calls" looks like an actual vagina opening itself up in preparation for pushing a baby out.

and for the illustraton, you're welcome.

And you know, it's not just the Spanx. I have noticed that even regular tights have this effect on me. Even certain clothing types (like the pencil skirt I am wearing right this moment) have the baby bump effect. Trying to hide body parts under things just doesn't really work out! "Shapewear" is not "disappearwear". Your fat isn't going any place. Accept it. Love it. Rub it gingerly like you would an actual baby bump. I've got a hand resting on mine as I type.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...