Maintaining Friendships

I couldn't think of an interesting title for this post. Since I graduated from Chapman, I have been continuously struggling with how to maintain friendships. In fact, I really haven't maintained them at all. I used to think maybe it was due to my relationship, or being busy with work, or just no longer being in such close proximity to your friends. No more club meetings, classes, meals in the cafeteria, dorm living, or sorority events. But that really isn't it at all. At least, that not the entire problem. 

I've been invited to plenty of events. I get the emails, but for whatever reason I don't go. People even invited me to important things like graduations, and I didn't go. I'm not that busy. Most of the time I'm home alone. I don't live with my boyfriend nor do I even see him everyday. Every so often I kick myself in the ass for not reaching out to my old friends, and I pick up the phone. But eventually I run out of steam and I can't keep it up. Or, they flake on me and I get discouraged so I give up. I haven't talked to my study abroad friends in about two years. I haven't seen or talked to my sorority sisters for anywhere from one to three years. I haven't seen my MEChA friends for the same amount of time, and I haven't talked to my BSU friends aside from facebook occasional wall posts for that long either. 

I realize that I kept many of my friends at arms length. I was content to play the role of a silly, goofy person that made everyone laugh but rarely connected with people on a deep level. That's not to say my friendships were meaningless or our conversations were meaningless. I think I always kept a partial wall up. 

When I look at pictures of people who have stayed close, I feel jealous. I don't have that with anyone except my blood sister! It's no one's fault but my own. Do you know how many friends of mine have gotten married? Quite a few. Do you know how many weddings I've been invited to? One. If I got married tomorrow, my guest list would be pretty small. I don't know why this is so hard for me, but I know I have to work on it and work on myself until I figure it out. 

I have known a lot of amazing people, a lot of amazing women in particular, and I need to learn how to be a better friend to them, if they'll have me.