I've been invited to plenty of events. I get the emails, but for whatever reason I don't go. People even invited me to important things like graduations, and I didn't go. I'm not that busy. Most of the time I'm home alone. I don't live with my boyfriend nor do I even see him everyday. Every so often I kick myself in the ass for not reaching out to my old friends, and I pick up the phone. But eventually I run out of steam and I can't keep it up. Or, they flake on me and I get discouraged so I give up. I haven't talked to my study abroad friends in about two years. I haven't seen or talked to my sorority sisters for anywhere from one to three years. I haven't seen my MEChA friends for the same amount of time, and I haven't talked to my BSU friends aside from facebook occasional wall posts for that long either.
I realize that I kept many of my friends at arms length. I was content to play the role of a silly, goofy person that made everyone laugh but rarely connected with people on a deep level. That's not to say my friendships were meaningless or our conversations were meaningless. I think I always kept a partial wall up.
When I look at pictures of people who have stayed close, I feel jealous. I don't have that with anyone except my blood sister! It's no one's fault but my own. Do you know how many friends of mine have gotten married? Quite a few. Do you know how many weddings I've been invited to? One. If I got married tomorrow, my guest list would be pretty small. I don't know why this is so hard for me, but I know I have to work on it and work on myself until I figure it out.
I have known a lot of amazing people, a lot of amazing women in particular, and I need to learn how to be a better friend to them, if they'll have me.