House Hunters Orange County

When looking for a house, either for realz or for fakes, do you ever look at the street view of the house's address to get a sense of the neighborhood?

I did that recently, and I came across this lovely gentleman walking his dog.

Oh he is waving, how nice!

 What a friendly man! Oh, but do look closer.

That's not how one waves, Sir.

Don't let that white picket fence fool you. This is a fuckyoukinda neighborhood.

Working on my Fitness: Unpleasant Surprises

I went on a four mile walk today and was all too aware of the revealing tightness of my running pants. As I walked, I felt mostly self-conscious but also slightly excited at the possibility that I might get rapped at again. My stories of being rapped at twice before are getting stale.

One time went something like this - "I got two cups, girl, and a pitcher, girl. And...and...I can't really rap, girl"

You might recall that I started taking short walk/jogs in the mornings after the growing size of my gut caused me to wonder if I might be pregnant. It's going pretty well. I mean, I'm averaging 16 minute miles, which is pretty much swift like a fox.  I'm kinda awesome at walk/jogging.

Look how swift!

You know what is not awesome? Yesterday I looked down and caught a glimpse of my shadow in motion. Holy. Freaking. Shit. Is that MY ass I can see from the front? Is that MY ass that is still bouncing even after my legs have stopped moving? Why yes, yes in fact it is.

There's no way I am literally showing my ass. Let this serve as a visual aid.

Little Korean ladies on their afternoon walks looked away in fear, and Buena Park school children getting off the school bus cried out for their mommies as I walked by. Fashion bloggers appeared to snap my picture and use it as evidence for their campaigns against stretchy pants. I could do nothing but scurry home and get on the scale. Because I must hate myself.

I don't want to have a small butt, but I was just unpleasantly surprised by the jiggle factor. Facebook and Gchat research pointed to compression shorts as a possible solution, but until I get some, I will just have to make peace with my jiggle. And maybe wear sweats.

Oh, Yes They Did! A Story of my For Realzzz Birthday

So, even though I started out all sadcatinastripedshirt-like, my birthday ended up being kind of great. This is mostly due to the wonderful, loving people who spoiled me with love and fabulous things that had me saying, "oh no you didn't! But ohhhh yes you did!"

1. I have a starbucks card, and I am a gold member. As a result, I get free birthday drinks. I got something big and expensive. Holla!
2. I bought myself a cupcake and a fancy root beer. The cupcake wasn't great, but I ate it anyway.

At least it was cute.

3. I got a lot of computer love via facebook.
4. I got a lot of love on the telephone line via phone calls and text messages.
5. My sister sent me a video of my nephew singing me happy birthday.
6. My boo gave me a card that made me cry and hid this present for me in an empty toblerone box:

Those some big, green stones!

7. He also took me out to dinner and let me choose the restaurant. I chose a hipster nightmare called Chapter One: The Modern Local (wtf, right? I had high hopes) in gentrifying Downtown Santa Ana. Worst service ever in life. I think the spray tanned and bedazzled Orange County gods were punishing me for the blasphemous things I said about Pat and Oscar's.  

Special features: ranch dressing snobbery and long wait times after ordering

8. There were birthday cards from friends, a card and giftcard from my brother, and a present from my mama waiting in the mailbox! She sent me a trio of journals and notepads.
9. My life twin took me out to a lunch that included an appetizer, meal, AND dessert and coffee! More is more!
10. And lastly, I arrived home yesterday to find this beauty waiting for me in the kitchen:

Mmhmm, that says what you think it says

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Liz! I am so excited. What should I cook in it first??

There are also a couple late arrival presents on their way, a birthday happy hour with friends, and potential jury duty coming my way. Uh, hello happy belated birthday! Jury duty is what's up. I'm going to walk in and say, "it makes sense for me to be here as I have just turned the page into age 28."

I don't know how to end this post. End.

It's my Birthday, and I'll Cry (Again) if I Want to

Today is my birthday. I woke up to a house filled with balloons. My boo never ceases to amaze me!

What a surprise!

After making my way through the balloons, I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a freshly baked scone to enjoy by the pool. It was cloudy, but I didn't mind.

After some time at the pool, I decided to take a stroll through the gardens with my new puppy. He is already trained in every possible way and his puppy breath smells like whatever snack I am craving at that moment.

"let me guess...chips again?" How does he ALWAYS KNOW?

You get to the gardens through the back door. Obvi.

I decided since it's my birthday, it wouldn't hurt if I was a little late to work. I took Magic Puppy around the property and to the barn so he could do some exploring.

Magic Puppy promised to help keep the green grass green by not peeing on it. He just gets me.

After returning home, I put on an effortlessly chic outfit and headed out the door to work. Since my arrival, I have had one of the most productive work days of my career. Birthdays look good on me!

None of that actually happened. Well, I did wake up. I did get dressed. I did go to work. I feel more like this cat though.

I have that shirt.

Here are my real birthday thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Adele has some nice herr! 
2. A lot of images on pinterest are cutesy-animal related.
3. Top search phrases that lead people to my blog include: double vigina, 27 double vagina, and cheri oteri sexy. I knew vaginas were popular, but double vaginas?? Also, surprised to see Cheri Oteri has a dedicated fanbase of people who find her sexy.
4. After seriously wondering if I was pregnant due to the ever increasing size of my gut, I have started walk-jogging in the mornings. I am sure my whole 15-20 minutes (plus stretching!) will make me into a new woman.
5. How do you feel about the term "value-added"? I kinda hate it. We use it at work a lot. That and "stakeholders". The people who hold the stakes.
6. When I am asked whether I'd prefer Pat and Oscar's or Red Robin for my birthday meal, I want to run from my little corner of North Orange County to almost anywhere else as quickly as possible.
7. My in-laws had a surprise party for me. It was DOPE because I didn't expect it and they made some of my favorite foods. I cried. 
8. On the other hand: in-laws. Challenges remain.
9. Cost Plus World Market has some good shit! I am still thinking about the goods I saw yesterday when I was wandering around waiting for my birthday brunch buzz to wear off. 
10. Seriously? I don't even like Pat and Oscar's.
11. All caps in a work email. How have all people not figured this out yet? I'M NOW SCREAMING AT YOU TO STOP SCREAMING AT ME!