House Hunters Orange County

When looking for a house, either for realz or for fakes, do you ever look at the street view of the house's address to get a sense of the neighborhood?

I did that recently, and I came across this lovely gentleman walking his dog.

Oh he is waving, how nice!

 What a friendly man! Oh, but do look closer.

That's not how one waves, Sir.

Don't let that white picket fence fool you. This is a fuckyoukinda neighborhood.

Working on my Fitness: Unpleasant Surprises

I went on a four mile walk today and was all too aware of the revealing tightness of my running pants. As I walked, I felt mostly self-conscious but also slightly excited at the possibility that I might get rapped at again. My stories of being rapped at twice before are getting stale.

One time went something like this - "I got two cups, girl, and a pitcher, girl. And...and...I can't really rap, girl"

You might recall that I started taking short walk/jogs in the mornings after the growing size of my gut caused me to wonder if I might be pregnant. It's going pretty well. I mean, I'm averaging 16 minute miles, which is pretty much swift like a fox.  I'm kinda awesome at walk/jogging.

Look how swift!

You know what is not awesome? Yesterday I looked down and caught a glimpse of my shadow in motion. Holy. Freaking. Shit. Is that MY ass I can see from the front? Is that MY ass that is still bouncing even after my legs have stopped moving? Why yes, yes in fact it is.

There's no way I am literally showing my ass. Let this serve as a visual aid.

Little Korean ladies on their afternoon walks looked away in fear, and Buena Park school children getting off the school bus cried out for their mommies as I walked by. Fashion bloggers appeared to snap my picture and use it as evidence for their campaigns against stretchy pants. I could do nothing but scurry home and get on the scale. Because I must hate myself.

I don't want to have a small butt, but I was just unpleasantly surprised by the jiggle factor. Facebook and Gchat research pointed to compression shorts as a possible solution, but until I get some, I will just have to make peace with my jiggle. And maybe wear sweats.

Oh, Yes They Did! A Story of my For Realzzz Birthday

So, even though I started out all sadcatinastripedshirt-like, my birthday ended up being kind of great. This is mostly due to the wonderful, loving people who spoiled me with love and fabulous things that had me saying, "oh no you didn't! But ohhhh yes you did!"

1. I have a starbucks card, and I am a gold member. As a result, I get free birthday drinks. I got something big and expensive. Holla!
2. I bought myself a cupcake and a fancy root beer. The cupcake wasn't great, but I ate it anyway.

At least it was cute.

3. I got a lot of computer love via facebook.
4. I got a lot of love on the telephone line via phone calls and text messages.
5. My sister sent me a video of my nephew singing me happy birthday.
6. My boo gave me a card that made me cry and hid this present for me in an empty toblerone box:

Those some big, green stones!

7. He also took me out to dinner and let me choose the restaurant. I chose a hipster nightmare called Chapter One: The Modern Local (wtf, right? I had high hopes) in gentrifying Downtown Santa Ana. Worst service ever in life. I think the spray tanned and bedazzled Orange County gods were punishing me for the blasphemous things I said about Pat and Oscar's.  

Special features: ranch dressing snobbery and long wait times after ordering

8. There were birthday cards from friends, a card and giftcard from my brother, and a present from my mama waiting in the mailbox! She sent me a trio of journals and notepads.
9. My life twin took me out to a lunch that included an appetizer, meal, AND dessert and coffee! More is more!
10. And lastly, I arrived home yesterday to find this beauty waiting for me in the kitchen:

Mmhmm, that says what you think it says

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Liz! I am so excited. What should I cook in it first??

There are also a couple late arrival presents on their way, a birthday happy hour with friends, and potential jury duty coming my way. Uh, hello happy belated birthday! Jury duty is what's up. I'm going to walk in and say, "it makes sense for me to be here as I have just turned the page into age 28."

I don't know how to end this post. End.

It's my Birthday, and I'll Cry (Again) if I Want to

Today is my birthday. I woke up to a house filled with balloons. My boo never ceases to amaze me!

What a surprise!

After making my way through the balloons, I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a freshly baked scone to enjoy by the pool. It was cloudy, but I didn't mind.

After some time at the pool, I decided to take a stroll through the gardens with my new puppy. He is already trained in every possible way and his puppy breath smells like whatever snack I am craving at that moment.

"let me guess...chips again?" How does he ALWAYS KNOW?

You get to the gardens through the back door. Obvi.

I decided since it's my birthday, it wouldn't hurt if I was a little late to work. I took Magic Puppy around the property and to the barn so he could do some exploring.

Magic Puppy promised to help keep the green grass green by not peeing on it. He just gets me.

After returning home, I put on an effortlessly chic outfit and headed out the door to work. Since my arrival, I have had one of the most productive work days of my career. Birthdays look good on me!

None of that actually happened. Well, I did wake up. I did get dressed. I did go to work. I feel more like this cat though.

I have that shirt.

Here are my real birthday thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Adele has some nice herr! 
2. A lot of images on pinterest are cutesy-animal related.
3. Top search phrases that lead people to my blog include: double vigina, 27 double vagina, and cheri oteri sexy. I knew vaginas were popular, but double vaginas?? Also, surprised to see Cheri Oteri has a dedicated fanbase of people who find her sexy.
4. After seriously wondering if I was pregnant due to the ever increasing size of my gut, I have started walk-jogging in the mornings. I am sure my whole 15-20 minutes (plus stretching!) will make me into a new woman.
5. How do you feel about the term "value-added"? I kinda hate it. We use it at work a lot. That and "stakeholders". The people who hold the stakes.
6. When I am asked whether I'd prefer Pat and Oscar's or Red Robin for my birthday meal, I want to run from my little corner of North Orange County to almost anywhere else as quickly as possible.
7. My in-laws had a surprise party for me. It was DOPE because I didn't expect it and they made some of my favorite foods. I cried. 
8. On the other hand: in-laws. Challenges remain.
9. Cost Plus World Market has some good shit! I am still thinking about the goods I saw yesterday when I was wandering around waiting for my birthday brunch buzz to wear off. 
10. Seriously? I don't even like Pat and Oscar's.
11. All caps in a work email. How have all people not figured this out yet? I'M NOW SCREAMING AT YOU TO STOP SCREAMING AT ME!

What Happens in Vegas Gets Posted on Blogs

So what had happened was - I spent time with good friends, gained five pounds, and discovered the natural beauty of Las Vegas. And by that I do not mean that I went to a strip club that specializes in chicks with real boobs. Although now that I've said that, I kind of smell a new business venture!

I've found myself in Vegas twice in the last few months because my best friend recently moved there. We met and became fast friends while working for a golf course in Irvine, CA in 2006. Since then, she became a pastry chef and spent time living and working in Chicago, IL. Vegas isn't exactly down the street, but it's close enough that we can see each other every couple months. She's gorgeous, hilarious, sharp, and extremely talented.

My beautiful friend Stephanie Boswell during her days at Naha in Chicago

Generally my time with Stephanie is like a lazy Saturday only with another person present. We watch DVDs for hours--favorites include Ali G, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Dave Chappelle, Arrested Development, and dance movies--and sit around in lounge pants while we giggle and gossip. However, for this trip, I did my herr, put on some heels, and met up with some college friends at Steph's restaurant. 

Steph works at Sage in the Aria hotel, and I'm going to do my best to walk you through my culinary journey there. I don't have the most sophisticated palette and tend to lean toward comfort food over fine dining, so my fine dining lexicon is limited. I pretty much have no idea what I'm talking about. 

Ees so swanky! Picture me on the far right, eating a poached egg like it's my job

The lounge area is so beautiful and has plenty of seating space to accommodate small groups. I sat at the bar while I waited for my college friends to arrive and ate the menu item that had been haunting my dreams. Blessing my dreams, actually. A slow-poached organic farm egg with smoked potato and shaved winter truffles and toasted country bread.

Words and pictures cannot even come close. Go eat this right now.

I was sippin' on a "desert shrub" cocktail as well. It was fantastic and unexpected. Tequila, prosecco, pink grapefruit, and purple sage. Everyone knows citrus and tequila go well together, but mostly people go with lime.  Have you seen people drink tequila and squirt? It's good and cheap. I love tequila, fresh grapefruit juice, and a bit of sprite to achieve a more high end version of that. The desert shrub took it to another level. Beyond.

Real bits of grapefruit in there. Classy. Pic via

Next I had the seared bigeye tuna sashimi with baby artichoke, preserved lemon, and oil cured olives. The best sashimi I've ever had, hands down. So flavorful. When my friends arrived we had the roasted sweetbreads with glazed bacon (YUM), creamy white polenta (YESSSS), and trumpet mushrooms. I've been afraid of sweetbreads a little, but they are not scary. I wasn't amazed by them, though. The glazed bacon and creamy white polenta could show up on my table every day, and I wouldn't mind. The list goes on, and it is long. We had oxtail crostinis with sweet and sour onions, a delicious variety of artisan salumi, grilled spanish octopus, and crispy rainbow trout with green beans. I also added a "hemingway daquiri" to the mix, which was made of ten cane rum, maraschino liqueur, and fresh lime and grapefruit.

Now we must talk about two fine dining staples that I have never in my life even considered trying. In fact, I didn't know what one of them was until we checked with Professor Google. Beef tartare and foie gras.  The foie gras is made into a custard that is served like a brulee, garnished with blood oranges and cocoa nibs, and served with salted brioche rolls. This dish is probably the most decadent thing I have ever eaten, and even the brioche rolls by themselves are dangerous. Given everything else that we had eaten, a few bites of this was sufficient. Next time, I think I would start with this (and share it with someone) so I could savor every last bite.

Foie gras custard brulee

Another name for this post could have been "Discovering How Many Ways I Can Consume Poached Eggs in One Meal" because the most attractive part of the wagyu beef tartare was the freakin' egg. The dish is also served with a crushed caper aioli, pickled mustard seeds, and crispy chocolate. The crispy chocolate was a fun, unexpected element that I really enjoyed. The chocolate and beef kind of melted together in your mouth as one rich, savory morsel with just a touch of sweetness.

Wagyu Beef Tartare. Oh you fancy, huh?

For dessert, we had the crunchy chocolate and peanut butter tart with a cassis sphere and toasted marshmallow sauce, the passion fruit mousse with huckleberries and white chocolate, almond sponge cake, and namelaka, the warm apple-fennel strudel with hazelnut crumble and brown butter ice cream, the flexible chocolate with candied walnuts and carmelized white chocolate ganache, and a pear dish that is no longer on the menu unfortunately. All the desserts were good, but the passion fruit mousse and chocolate and peanut butter tart seemed a little out of place. Sage is embraces the "farm to table" philosophy and uses primarily local and in-season food. I don't think passion fruit is either of those things. Also, the chocolate and peanut butter tart was yummy but didn't come across as uniquely upscale like the rest of the menu items.

It took almost four hours to eat that meal, which is why it took me hours to write this post. I'm guessing it might have taken you just as long to read it. If you are reading these words, in fact, I both congratulate you and thank you.

My next installment - Red Rock Canyon!

Doing Good Work for the American People, Like Taste Tests

Last week, after a 17 minute trip to the post office, my work wife and I set out on a mission of utmost importance--the procurement of snacks, preferably candy from foreign countries.

 This book is actually my autobiography. 

A Google search might lead you to believe that only men have work wives, and women have work husbands (um, yeah right--like I need two of those) but how narrow minded! My cube neighbor is my work wife because she holds me down, just like a good wife should.

Everyone should have a work spouse! Making out optional!

Back to the snacks. My discovery of sour straws from Holland was a huge win, but I also noticed some organic peanut butter cups from the good ole U.S. of A. I picked them up and looked closely at the crisp,white packaging and enticing image of a peanut butter cup almost identical to a classic Reese's. Then I saw the price! Organic AND $2.29? They MUST be delicious! Like the good partner that she is, my work wife grabbed a pack of Reese's and a taste test was declared!

  Justin, I find your packaging and outrageous price verrry appealing

We immediately scurried to our cubicles where she delicately opened both packages. We cleaned our palates and took a bite. And some sniffs. First,  that unmistakable creamy chocolate and melty peanut buttery taste of the Reese's. Pretty much perfection. Next was Justin's organic version...bleck! I almost couldn't eat it all except of course I did! Two out of two work wives agreed - waxy chocolate, lacking in flavor,  and nearly devoid of any peanut taste. Even the color paled in comparison to the Reese's. Before you go telling me that the Reese's is probably pumped full of food coloring, let me tell you that we checked, and you are wrong!

 What is in there, nail filings blended with sawdust chips?

Sorry pricy, organic option. I just can't go to bat for you this time.

You Bet Your Goulash I'm Hungarian!

Don't be embarrassed. This is just my night shirt.

In honor of my Hungarian heritage and the need for a quick dinner that would utilize my ground beef, I decided to make some (faux) gulyas while googling pictures of the Gabor sisters. I think it was a success, the goulash and the googling, so I'm going to share the search results and my recipe with you.

their souls are as intertwined as their fur

The Gabor Sisters. Um, Kardashians who? Also, did you know Eva wrote a memoir titled Orchids and Salami because that's all she kept in her fridge? OMG never been so proud to be Hungarian!

Now before I begin, I realize this probably brings up a number of questions for you. One such question might be, ANOTHER recipe? what the hell is this, some crappy food blog? No, no it's not. As you know, this blog is about all the things I think and say and do that I find interesting and fascinating. Surely, you are fascinated by stories of the things I cook, no? Another question I'm almost certain you are asking yourself is, wait a minute, this chick isn't Mexican? Don't feel bad. People make this mistake all the time. If you'd met me in person, my gargantuan stature would have given me away.

Now, back to the recipe. I actually got the idea from my very non-Hungarian friend, coworker, and soulmate Susan. I said, Sus, what can I make with ground beef besides hamburgers or meatballs? She said, I just dealt with this myself when my husband brought home a refrigerator box full of ground beef. Then we laughed. Then she told me to make goulash.

Susan's husband in the same cart he used to bring home the ground beef. Via

Traditional goulash is not made with ground beef, and it is also not usually made in 20 minutes. Hence why this recipe is faux. I needed fast and simple that day, but generally I do try to stick to tradition. See below.

Just a normal day making for realz goulash

So, based on Susan's suggestions, this recipe and its comments, and my own taste, this is what I came up with:

1 pound ground beef
1/2 medium/largeish red onion - chopped or sliced (I would have used yellow if I'd had it)
some form of garlic
16 ounces crushed tomatoes
1 1/2 tablespoons worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon distilled white vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons paprika (the recipe said teaspoons, but I read it wrong. I think teaspoons wouldn't have been nearly enough. The more paprika the better!!)
1/4 tablespoon smoked hot paprika
1 teaspoon garlic salt (maybe more? I actually don't know)
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1 (16 ounce) package noodles (egg noodles would probably be best, but all I had was some pasta. this would be tasty over rice or mashed potatoes too)
beef, chicken, or vegetable broth as needed

First I got the water going for the pasta. While waiting for it to boil, I heated a bit of butter and olive oil in the pan, and once hot, I sauteed the onions until soft and then added the beef and sprinkled it with a generous amount of garlic powder. (If you use fresh garlic, add it to the onions for the last minute or so of cooking before adding the beef.) While the beef was browning, I mixed the tomatoes with the remaining ingredients (except the pasta, obvi). I added the mixture to the beef and let it come to a boil. It seemed too thick, so I eyeballed what looked to be an appropriate amount of beef broth to thin it out without making it too thin. As I let that simmer away, I boiled the pasta. Once it was done, I drained the pasta and served it up with big spoonfuls of beefy goulashy business on top!

I think the whole thing took 20 or 25 minutes. If I had let it simmer gently for a long time, it would have been even more delicious. But, if I had done that, I probably would have needed more liquid in the sauce. So keep that in mind if you decide to do faux goulash slow and low style. Also, you could add all kinds of things to goulash, like vegetables and potatoes. Nothing says Eastern Europe like starch on starch!

Happy eating to you!