Oh, Yes They Did! A Story of my For Realzzz Birthday

So, even though I started out all sadcatinastripedshirt-like, my birthday ended up being kind of great. This is mostly due to the wonderful, loving people who spoiled me with love and fabulous things that had me saying, "oh no you didn't! But ohhhh yes you did!"

1. I have a starbucks card, and I am a gold member. As a result, I get free birthday drinks. I got something big and expensive. Holla!
2. I bought myself a cupcake and a fancy root beer. The cupcake wasn't great, but I ate it anyway.

At least it was cute.

3. I got a lot of computer love via facebook.
4. I got a lot of love on the telephone line via phone calls and text messages.
5. My sister sent me a video of my nephew singing me happy birthday.
6. My boo gave me a card that made me cry and hid this present for me in an empty toblerone box:

Those some big, green stones!

7. He also took me out to dinner and let me choose the restaurant. I chose a hipster nightmare called Chapter One: The Modern Local (wtf, right? I had high hopes) in gentrifying Downtown Santa Ana. Worst service ever in life. I think the spray tanned and bedazzled Orange County gods were punishing me for the blasphemous things I said about Pat and Oscar's.  

Special features: ranch dressing snobbery and long wait times after ordering

8. There were birthday cards from friends, a card and giftcard from my brother, and a present from my mama waiting in the mailbox! She sent me a trio of journals and notepads.
9. My life twin took me out to a lunch that included an appetizer, meal, AND dessert and coffee! More is more!
10. And lastly, I arrived home yesterday to find this beauty waiting for me in the kitchen:

Mmhmm, that says what you think it says

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Liz! I am so excited. What should I cook in it first??

There are also a couple late arrival presents on their way, a birthday happy hour with friends, and potential jury duty coming my way. Uh, hello happy belated birthday! Jury duty is what's up. I'm going to walk in and say, "it makes sense for me to be here as I have just turned the page into age 28."

I don't know how to end this post. End.

It's my Birthday, and I'll Cry (Again) if I Want to

Today is my birthday. I woke up to a house filled with balloons. My boo never ceases to amaze me!

What a surprise!

After making my way through the balloons, I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a freshly baked scone to enjoy by the pool. It was cloudy, but I didn't mind.

After some time at the pool, I decided to take a stroll through the gardens with my new puppy. He is already trained in every possible way and his puppy breath smells like whatever snack I am craving at that moment.

"let me guess...chips again?" How does he ALWAYS KNOW?

You get to the gardens through the back door. Obvi.

I decided since it's my birthday, it wouldn't hurt if I was a little late to work. I took Magic Puppy around the property and to the barn so he could do some exploring.

Magic Puppy promised to help keep the green grass green by not peeing on it. He just gets me.

After returning home, I put on an effortlessly chic outfit and headed out the door to work. Since my arrival, I have had one of the most productive work days of my career. Birthdays look good on me!

None of that actually happened. Well, I did wake up. I did get dressed. I did go to work. I feel more like this cat though.

I have that shirt.

Here are my real birthday thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Adele has some nice herr! 
2. A lot of images on pinterest are cutesy-animal related.
3. Top search phrases that lead people to my blog include: double vigina, 27 double vagina, and cheri oteri sexy. I knew vaginas were popular, but double vaginas?? Also, surprised to see Cheri Oteri has a dedicated fanbase of people who find her sexy.
4. After seriously wondering if I was pregnant due to the ever increasing size of my gut, I have started walk-jogging in the mornings. I am sure my whole 15-20 minutes (plus stretching!) will make me into a new woman.
5. How do you feel about the term "value-added"? I kinda hate it. We use it at work a lot. That and "stakeholders". The people who hold the stakes.
6. When I am asked whether I'd prefer Pat and Oscar's or Red Robin for my birthday meal, I want to run from my little corner of North Orange County to almost anywhere else as quickly as possible.
7. My in-laws had a surprise party for me. It was DOPE because I didn't expect it and they made some of my favorite foods. I cried. 
8. On the other hand: in-laws. Challenges remain.
9. Cost Plus World Market has some good shit! I am still thinking about the goods I saw yesterday when I was wandering around waiting for my birthday brunch buzz to wear off. 
10. Seriously? I don't even like Pat and Oscar's.
11. All caps in a work email. How have all people not figured this out yet? I'M NOW SCREAMING AT YOU TO STOP SCREAMING AT ME!

I paid $20 to chaperone this high school dance

And all I got out of it was a facebook status update that resulted in this blog post.

A few weeks ago, I ventured out of my safe, warm, usually snack filled apartment for a night out on the town. Which town? I'm not sure, but according to google maps, it is where placentia, fullerton, and maybe anaheim touch. So we will call it plafullerheim. We went to this particular club in plafullerheim for the birthday party of a high school friend of my boo. Like the only other Orange County club I've been too recently, this was located in a shopping area where you might find a dollar store, mini-mart, taqueria, nail salon with Korean art, and a donut shop. Upon our arrival, we were dismayed to find the guest list was closed and we had to pay $20 per person. $20?! Can't I just sneak in through the Panaderia next door? No.

When we went in, I was immedaitely struck by the malodorous quality of the establishment, but luckily there was something else going on that distracted me from the smell. As it turns out, we had inadvertently paid to enter a children's gym! Weird. Those kids must be night owls.

Ohhhhh no, these are just the X clubbers, branded with the black marker X that distinguishes the 18+ cohort from the upper echelon of fluorescent bracelet wearers drinking up all the bar's liquor. A bar WITHOUT diet coke, btw. There were many, many X marked hands that evening, and I am pretty sure they were all high school seniors.

I struggled to keep an expressionless face as I observed the teens sometimes awkwardly, sometimes too expertly, grind against each other. I shouldn't see this! If I knew their parents, I would feel compelled to inform them! Too old. I am tooooo old for this shit. And the outfits of these young women didn't make it any easier to hide the judgment from my face, or the sadness.

What the hell ever happened to a going out top and jeans? I used to go out a lot, and that was the key to a successful going-out-outfit! Sure, there were handfuls of women that made poor choices like mini skirts and dresses that made it impossible to keep one's dignity in tact. But now! Now such attire is practically a fucking requirement! And whhyyyyyyy the plasticky material? You cannot, I repeat cannot, wear a dress and get low. Or twerk. Or grind. Or any of those things that aren't a great idea to begin with but can be very fun. Well, you can, but not without ruining any chance of showing an ounnce of respect for yourself. This can be difficult enough for young women without compounding it by showing your vag as you literally get down on the floor. Or letting your whole ass hang out of your spandex mini while you back it up. These things happened, but since I wasn't ACTUALLY chaperoning a dance, there was nothing I could do about it.

See how appropriate I look?

I have a more serious take on this type of behavior that I'll get into another time, but for now I'll just say this: Ladies, if you want the freedom to dirty dance the night away, please wear pants. If you want to show some leg, please wear shorts. Even booty shorts if it means keeping your private parts private. Thanks, much appreciated.