Happy Trails to Meeeeee - Santiago Oaks Regional Park

Down to just one car last week, I had to drive my boo to work early Saturday morning. Most of the fibers in my body wanted to stumble to the car in my PJs, but I threw some stretchy, ass-jiggle highlighting pants on and toddled to the car with sneakers in hand. I figured I should take this opportunity to hit a trail before it got hot. After dropping off the boo, I coffee'd up and resisted the urge to go home and get some work done on the couch.

I love the couch.

Despite the siren's call of a lazy Saturday, I drove toward the Santiago Oaks Regional Park which was recommended by a friend. I shared the road only with old trucks whose drivers were heading off to manicure the lawns and gardens of the expansive Orange County homes. The farther I drove, the more rural the landscape became. At least, it was reminiscent of a rural area but one that is very expensive. Turns out, this is what is referred to as an equestrian community. This explains the horse trails and stables and McMansions.  

Another oldie but goodie. Somehow, he did not make an appearance in the equestrian community

I followed the helpful signs toward the park and noticed several gated communities and 90s era (once) new developments that almost made me pause. Confident in my friend's suggestion, I continued on. The road narrowed, a horse and its rider were spotted, and suddenly there were trees everywhere. I gasped. I stared. I squealed. The park attendant asked if I might mind paying the parking fee and getting out of the way.

Who doesn't love sun poking through trees? Monsters, that's who!

Historic Orange Grove. Look but don't touch.

a leetle creek!

The OC Parks website will tell you that Santiago Oaks provides a sense of removal from the urbanized environment, and you know what? This is not a lie. Even just sitting in the parking lot, I felt so at peace I almost cried.

surrounded!

historic creek dam. not for swimming, damn.

it's all shady and tree covered and then there's this valley type thing out of nowhere!

for when you get thirsty. intended for horses, but hey.

I have nothing bad to say. No snarky jokes to tell. There was hardly any litter and no graffiti that I saw. Just a beautiful place full of people there for more or less the same reason I was. I give it five Haribo gummy bear bags! (out of 5)

Trying to Get Lost in Fullerton

This Saturday I forcibly removed myself from the couch and went for a walk. Although the trail looked like something one might see on a hike, for some reason I just can't bring myself to call it that. A walk seems more accurate, albeit a hot and dusty walk along a dirt path.

I walked the "Lost Trail," which I came across on the interwebs after some searching for local walking trails. The name implied that the trail was perhaps secluded, but I figured it was a misnomer. I asked google its opinion, and it told me that the trail was an escape from suburbia! The idea of this delighted me.

My quest to lose myself on Lost Trail in an escape from suburbia began at a most suburban setting - the Fullerton Municipal Golf Course. I walked a short distance on a different trail to get to the Lost Trail start and was surrounded by suburbia for much of the trip.

Golf course to my left and condos and a hospital to my above right

Once I reached the tunnel to take me under a boulevard and to Lost Trail, the apartment complexes and condominums faded from view, although I could still hear the roar of traffic down the boulevard I had taken to get there.

This was one creepy ass tunnel

On the other side of the tunnel, the tanned OC Gods gifted me with a little creek. I walked along it for a bit, wondering if I was on the Lost Trail or just getting lost trying to find it.

I quickly found my way and just as quickly realized that while the trail may have been lost at one point,  it was now found and sat squarely in the middle of high-end suburbia.

Does this make you feel lost?

I agree! Though, I think this was built for "adverts"

what is that I see in the distance?!

Pumping for oil, that's what!

Although I had been set on escaping suburbia, I decided not to let the presence of large ranch-style homes, gardeners and landscapers of said homes, and manicured soccer fields and golf courses bum me out. I accepted the surroundings for what they were and had fun trying to think of as many "lost and found" jokes as I could. I wrote this blog entry in my head as I walked, none of which is actually within this post as I promptly forgot it.

You can tell this house has a pool, and I was ready to find myself in it

There was some trash and graffiti, but unlike the taggers of Hermit Falls, these kids encouraged me every step of the way. And are avid readers, apparently.

If you can't tell, it says "you is important" and you IS

You is also smart

The walk wasn't particularly long nor was it very secluded, but I enjoyed myself. I saw dragonflies, birds, lizards, squirrels, and butterflies. I also saw a lot of horse shit but only one horse. There wasn't very much shade though, so it was freaking hot. The city website rated the trail as Easy/Moderate, and although I have no idea what that means, if it was a 90 degree day that shit would be hard as fuck.

I have decided to implement an arbitrary rating system for my outdoor experiences here in Southern California. To the Lost Trail I award 3 bags of Haribo gummy bears (out of 5) because it's really close to my house, tells me I'm smart, and has lots of birds and stuff.

House Hunters Orange County

When looking for a house, either for realz or for fakes, do you ever look at the street view of the house's address to get a sense of the neighborhood?

I did that recently, and I came across this lovely gentleman walking his dog.

Oh he is waving, how nice!

 What a friendly man! Oh, but do look closer.

That's not how one waves, Sir.

Don't let that white picket fence fool you. This is a fuckyoukinda neighborhood.

Oh, Yes They Did! A Story of my For Realzzz Birthday

So, even though I started out all sadcatinastripedshirt-like, my birthday ended up being kind of great. This is mostly due to the wonderful, loving people who spoiled me with love and fabulous things that had me saying, "oh no you didn't! But ohhhh yes you did!"

1. I have a starbucks card, and I am a gold member. As a result, I get free birthday drinks. I got something big and expensive. Holla!
2. I bought myself a cupcake and a fancy root beer. The cupcake wasn't great, but I ate it anyway.

At least it was cute.

3. I got a lot of computer love via facebook.
4. I got a lot of love on the telephone line via phone calls and text messages.
5. My sister sent me a video of my nephew singing me happy birthday.
6. My boo gave me a card that made me cry and hid this present for me in an empty toblerone box:

Those some big, green stones!

7. He also took me out to dinner and let me choose the restaurant. I chose a hipster nightmare called Chapter One: The Modern Local (wtf, right? I had high hopes) in gentrifying Downtown Santa Ana. Worst service ever in life. I think the spray tanned and bedazzled Orange County gods were punishing me for the blasphemous things I said about Pat and Oscar's.  

Special features: ranch dressing snobbery and long wait times after ordering

8. There were birthday cards from friends, a card and giftcard from my brother, and a present from my mama waiting in the mailbox! She sent me a trio of journals and notepads.
9. My life twin took me out to a lunch that included an appetizer, meal, AND dessert and coffee! More is more!
10. And lastly, I arrived home yesterday to find this beauty waiting for me in the kitchen:

Mmhmm, that says what you think it says

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Liz! I am so excited. What should I cook in it first??

There are also a couple late arrival presents on their way, a birthday happy hour with friends, and potential jury duty coming my way. Uh, hello happy belated birthday! Jury duty is what's up. I'm going to walk in and say, "it makes sense for me to be here as I have just turned the page into age 28."

I don't know how to end this post. End.

It's my Birthday, and I'll Cry (Again) if I Want to

Today is my birthday. I woke up to a house filled with balloons. My boo never ceases to amaze me!

What a surprise!

After making my way through the balloons, I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a freshly baked scone to enjoy by the pool. It was cloudy, but I didn't mind.

After some time at the pool, I decided to take a stroll through the gardens with my new puppy. He is already trained in every possible way and his puppy breath smells like whatever snack I am craving at that moment.

"let me guess...chips again?" How does he ALWAYS KNOW?

You get to the gardens through the back door. Obvi.

I decided since it's my birthday, it wouldn't hurt if I was a little late to work. I took Magic Puppy around the property and to the barn so he could do some exploring.

Magic Puppy promised to help keep the green grass green by not peeing on it. He just gets me.

After returning home, I put on an effortlessly chic outfit and headed out the door to work. Since my arrival, I have had one of the most productive work days of my career. Birthdays look good on me!

None of that actually happened. Well, I did wake up. I did get dressed. I did go to work. I feel more like this cat though.

I have that shirt.

Here are my real birthday thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Adele has some nice herr! 
2. A lot of images on pinterest are cutesy-animal related.
3. Top search phrases that lead people to my blog include: double vigina, 27 double vagina, and cheri oteri sexy. I knew vaginas were popular, but double vaginas?? Also, surprised to see Cheri Oteri has a dedicated fanbase of people who find her sexy.
4. After seriously wondering if I was pregnant due to the ever increasing size of my gut, I have started walk-jogging in the mornings. I am sure my whole 15-20 minutes (plus stretching!) will make me into a new woman.
5. How do you feel about the term "value-added"? I kinda hate it. We use it at work a lot. That and "stakeholders". The people who hold the stakes.
6. When I am asked whether I'd prefer Pat and Oscar's or Red Robin for my birthday meal, I want to run from my little corner of North Orange County to almost anywhere else as quickly as possible.
7. My in-laws had a surprise party for me. It was DOPE because I didn't expect it and they made some of my favorite foods. I cried. 
8. On the other hand: in-laws. Challenges remain.
9. Cost Plus World Market has some good shit! I am still thinking about the goods I saw yesterday when I was wandering around waiting for my birthday brunch buzz to wear off. 
10. Seriously? I don't even like Pat and Oscar's.
11. All caps in a work email. How have all people not figured this out yet? I'M NOW SCREAMING AT YOU TO STOP SCREAMING AT ME!

I paid $20 to chaperone this high school dance

And all I got out of it was a facebook status update that resulted in this blog post.

A few weeks ago, I ventured out of my safe, warm, usually snack filled apartment for a night out on the town. Which town? I'm not sure, but according to google maps, it is where placentia, fullerton, and maybe anaheim touch. So we will call it plafullerheim. We went to this particular club in plafullerheim for the birthday party of a high school friend of my boo. Like the only other Orange County club I've been too recently, this was located in a shopping area where you might find a dollar store, mini-mart, taqueria, nail salon with Korean art, and a donut shop. Upon our arrival, we were dismayed to find the guest list was closed and we had to pay $20 per person. $20?! Can't I just sneak in through the Panaderia next door? No.

When we went in, I was immedaitely struck by the malodorous quality of the establishment, but luckily there was something else going on that distracted me from the smell. As it turns out, we had inadvertently paid to enter a children's gym! Weird. Those kids must be night owls.

Ohhhhh no, these are just the X clubbers, branded with the black marker X that distinguishes the 18+ cohort from the upper echelon of fluorescent bracelet wearers drinking up all the bar's liquor. A bar WITHOUT diet coke, btw. There were many, many X marked hands that evening, and I am pretty sure they were all high school seniors.

I struggled to keep an expressionless face as I observed the teens sometimes awkwardly, sometimes too expertly, grind against each other. I shouldn't see this! If I knew their parents, I would feel compelled to inform them! Too old. I am tooooo old for this shit. And the outfits of these young women didn't make it any easier to hide the judgment from my face, or the sadness.

What the hell ever happened to a going out top and jeans? I used to go out a lot, and that was the key to a successful going-out-outfit! Sure, there were handfuls of women that made poor choices like mini skirts and dresses that made it impossible to keep one's dignity in tact. But now! Now such attire is practically a fucking requirement! And whhyyyyyyy the plasticky material? You cannot, I repeat cannot, wear a dress and get low. Or twerk. Or grind. Or any of those things that aren't a great idea to begin with but can be very fun. Well, you can, but not without ruining any chance of showing an ounnce of respect for yourself. This can be difficult enough for young women without compounding it by showing your vag as you literally get down on the floor. Or letting your whole ass hang out of your spandex mini while you back it up. These things happened, but since I wasn't ACTUALLY chaperoning a dance, there was nothing I could do about it.

See how appropriate I look?

I have a more serious take on this type of behavior that I'll get into another time, but for now I'll just say this: Ladies, if you want the freedom to dirty dance the night away, please wear pants. If you want to show some leg, please wear shorts. Even booty shorts if it means keeping your private parts private. Thanks, much appreciated.