It's my Birthday, and I'll Cry (Again) if I Want to

Today is my birthday. I woke up to a house filled with balloons. My boo never ceases to amaze me!

What a surprise!

After making my way through the balloons, I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a freshly baked scone to enjoy by the pool. It was cloudy, but I didn't mind.

After some time at the pool, I decided to take a stroll through the gardens with my new puppy. He is already trained in every possible way and his puppy breath smells like whatever snack I am craving at that moment.

"let me guess...chips again?" How does he ALWAYS KNOW?

You get to the gardens through the back door. Obvi.

I decided since it's my birthday, it wouldn't hurt if I was a little late to work. I took Magic Puppy around the property and to the barn so he could do some exploring.

Magic Puppy promised to help keep the green grass green by not peeing on it. He just gets me.

After returning home, I put on an effortlessly chic outfit and headed out the door to work. Since my arrival, I have had one of the most productive work days of my career. Birthdays look good on me!

None of that actually happened. Well, I did wake up. I did get dressed. I did go to work. I feel more like this cat though.

I have that shirt.

Here are my real birthday thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Adele has some nice herr! 
2. A lot of images on pinterest are cutesy-animal related.
3. Top search phrases that lead people to my blog include: double vigina, 27 double vagina, and cheri oteri sexy. I knew vaginas were popular, but double vaginas?? Also, surprised to see Cheri Oteri has a dedicated fanbase of people who find her sexy.
4. After seriously wondering if I was pregnant due to the ever increasing size of my gut, I have started walk-jogging in the mornings. I am sure my whole 15-20 minutes (plus stretching!) will make me into a new woman.
5. How do you feel about the term "value-added"? I kinda hate it. We use it at work a lot. That and "stakeholders". The people who hold the stakes.
6. When I am asked whether I'd prefer Pat and Oscar's or Red Robin for my birthday meal, I want to run from my little corner of North Orange County to almost anywhere else as quickly as possible.
7. My in-laws had a surprise party for me. It was DOPE because I didn't expect it and they made some of my favorite foods. I cried. 
8. On the other hand: in-laws. Challenges remain.
9. Cost Plus World Market has some good shit! I am still thinking about the goods I saw yesterday when I was wandering around waiting for my birthday brunch buzz to wear off. 
10. Seriously? I don't even like Pat and Oscar's.
11. All caps in a work email. How have all people not figured this out yet? I'M NOW SCREAMING AT YOU TO STOP SCREAMING AT ME!

Kim Kardashian: Did I Spy a Baby Bump?

Oh, no, she's probably just wearing some Spanx. Despite being applauded as the roll-smoothing, tummy-flattening miracle undergarment, I have recently come to the realization that all Spanx do is create the illusion of a baby bump. Also, sometimes they look too much like a vagina. I will be silent about this issue no more. Here is my Spanx chronicle.

My relationship with Spanx began when I wore some to my senior prom. (Kyle L, it's a good thing you didn't try to see what was up under ma dress! Surely you would have been disappointed.) I thought it was a genius idea. I thought I looked so much slimmer! And I didn't have to wait for a special occassion to wear them again! I could wear them under anything, so I did. I wore those Spanx OUT. Specifically, I remember I even once wore them with a pair of capris, just like the back of the box said I could/should. Oh boy. I didn't layer my shirts with camisoles yet, so I can only imagine that the Spanx were sticking out of the back of my pants when I sat down. To my advanced biology class in particular, I am soooooooo sorry.

you can even fake a pregnancy!

I brought those Spanx out a lot over the next few years, mostly wearing them under dresses when I wanted to smooth all my ripples out. Ripples, rolls, pudge, curves, whatever you want to call them. I think there were times when that actually did me some good, but now that I've made the baby bump realization, those times were probably few. When I went to see my the undergarment fairy godmother at Nordstrom in 2009, I stepped my Spanx game way up. My first pair had been the standard knee-length spandex tummyandunintentionallyass-flatteners with capri-length pantyhose material attached. Fairy godmother said, ass flattening no more! Try the seamless mid-thigh bodysuit that attaches to your bra! Don't worry, the crotch is open so you can still go pee!

Once again, I thought I had found such a perfect solution. I was nearly 20 pounds thinner than I am now and just wanted something to avoid VPL and that unsightly silhouette of belly button hole that even thin women sometimes have in a slinky dress. But looking back, even as thin as I was, I looked like I had A GD BABY BUMP! You might be asking, Kelly, how can this be? I've seen the before and after shots! You're crazy! No, you bitch, I'm not. If you are already skinny and you want to wear Spanx to smooth out your non-roll, go right ahead. But for me, a woman with two tummy rolls (one mini, one full size), all the Spanx do is turn it into one large, smooth, round bump of self. As if that weren't bad enough, the "cotton double gusset for comfort and ease when nature calls" looks like an actual vagina opening itself up in preparation for pushing a baby out.

and for the illustraton, you're welcome.

And you know, it's not just the Spanx. I have noticed that even regular tights have this effect on me. Even certain clothing types (like the pencil skirt I am wearing right this moment) have the baby bump effect. Trying to hide body parts under things just doesn't really work out! "Shapewear" is not "disappearwear". Your fat isn't going any place. Accept it. Love it. Rub it gingerly like you would an actual baby bump. I've got a hand resting on mine as I type.