Do You Ever Dream of Candy Coated Raindrops? I DO!

Do y'all love candy as much as I do? I fucking love candy. Kim Kardashian would smell a cavity on me if we ever hugged, I just know it. Sometimes I think I might be six years old. Give me some chicken strips, fries, and some candy for dessert and I'm goooooood. I also love chips, sooooo.

Remember this?

I bought a box of these tiny bags at Target. Now you can pack little tiny candy portions in your lunch!!!Target has all SORTS of candy varieties just waiting to be packed in your lunch, or your children's lunch I suppose. That may not be the greatest idea lest you end up raising a child that is a lot like me as an adult.

I bring two, which is 75 calories worth of pure sugary, chewy, fruity bliss.

Treat yo'self. 

Real Simple is Real Freakin' Full of Lies

One day while checking out at Loehmann's, the young cashier absentmindedly rattled off the mandatory spiel for three free magazine subscriptions. Well, free trial magazine subscriptions. For 3 months, I could get three magazines of my choice for free. All I had to do was provide my credit card information because they would automatically charge for for an annual subscription at the end of the three months.  Three for three for free! I made a mental note to cancel immediately  and took her up on this offer. I chose Real Simple, InStyle, and Food and Wine.

If you know me at all, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that I failed to cancel the free trial subscriptions. So, now I get Real Simple. (InStyle and Food and Wine, too.) And you know what? I kind of hate Real Simple. She reminds me of all the pretty mean girls I've hated and simultaneously wanted to be friends with. And she lies.

From this month - "How to Snack Smarter"

Ideas include 5 cherry tomatoes with 2 tablespoons of goat cheese, 2 teaspoons of almond butter on 1 slice of toast, and 1 rice cake with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter.

We could spend a lot of time talking about the ridiculously tiny portions, or how it doesn't seem like a great use of time or food to make chipotle yogurt, minty pea dip, or curried yogurt when you can only eat between 2 teaspoons - 2 tablespoons of each one. But are these really lies or just unreasonable expectations? Let's continue.

I had stupidly high hopes when I saw this part of the "How to Snack Smarter" feature:

Is Real Simple in my head?

I do pretty much all of these. The word or doesn't apply. I graze all day on junk because I'm sleepy and/or bored and it's whatever I have on hand. Because I bought it. Because I fucking love snacks, and junky snacks in particular. If I had a food journal, it would show that I consume copious amounts of potato chips, candy, cookies, ice cream, fruity wine, and sometimes homemade baked goods. My meals are sometimes healthy but also include bacon guacamole dogs, pasta in homemade cream sauce, and pulled pork sandwiches.

I thought I might see some of me reflected in the food journals of the three women with "very different challenges". The "boredom snacker" was a little inappropriately named, I thought. She says she has a hard time steering clear of treats for her kids. Treats(?) like honeyed almonds, raisin bran, and crackers with peanut butter. Um. The "impulse snacker" was more my style, but her descriptions did not include quantities. The "all-day snacker" eats things like yogurt, fruit, carrots, and grilled chicken all day. What a terrible habit! How will she ever break it?!

Hmm....could it be that these women LIED?! Yes, it could be because who in their right mind would let Real Simple publish their actual food journal?

Here are my suggestions, in red, for making these food journals entries, and thus the feature itself, more accurate:

 

Let's keep it one-hundred, shall we Real Simple (and her readers)?

From the archives...

Ready for some more excuses about my long absence again? Here you go -- I was working to get a report out to this group of people you've probably heard of, Congress? Yeah, those people. I was also planning a surprise party for my sister! I can't wait to post lots of pictures, but first, here are some pictures from the archives of my phone. 

What is the imagined use for such a flavored syrup?

The view from the window of my new cubicle. It's huge. It also has a window, obviously. 

The world's largest woman holding a bag of Haribo gummy bears. 

What do you do about cupcakes that are difficult to eat because they have two vertical inches of frosting? If you're my boo, you rip it apart, turn the frosting side upside down, and smash it into the cake. That's what.

Doing Good Work for the American People, Like Taste Tests

Last week, after a 17 minute trip to the post office, my work wife and I set out on a mission of utmost importance--the procurement of snacks, preferably candy from foreign countries.

 This book is actually my autobiography. 

A Google search might lead you to believe that only men have work wives, and women have work husbands (um, yeah right--like I need two of those) but how narrow minded! My cube neighbor is my work wife because she holds me down, just like a good wife should.

Everyone should have a work spouse! Making out optional!

Back to the snacks. My discovery of sour straws from Holland was a huge win, but I also noticed some organic peanut butter cups from the good ole U.S. of A. I picked them up and looked closely at the crisp,white packaging and enticing image of a peanut butter cup almost identical to a classic Reese's. Then I saw the price! Organic AND $2.29? They MUST be delicious! Like the good partner that she is, my work wife grabbed a pack of Reese's and a taste test was declared!

  Justin, I find your packaging and outrageous price verrry appealing

We immediately scurried to our cubicles where she delicately opened both packages. We cleaned our palates and took a bite. And some sniffs. First,  that unmistakable creamy chocolate and melty peanut buttery taste of the Reese's. Pretty much perfection. Next was Justin's organic version...bleck! I almost couldn't eat it all except of course I did! Two out of two work wives agreed - waxy chocolate, lacking in flavor,  and nearly devoid of any peanut taste. Even the color paled in comparison to the Reese's. Before you go telling me that the Reese's is probably pumped full of food coloring, let me tell you that we checked, and you are wrong!

 What is in there, nail filings blended with sawdust chips?

Sorry pricy, organic option. I just can't go to bat for you this time.