Monday, July 23, 2012

Real Simple is Real Freakin' Full of Lies

One day while checking out at Loehmann's, the young cashier absentmindedly rattled off the mandatory spiel for three free magazine subscriptions. Well, free trial magazine subscriptions. For 3 months, I could get three magazines of my choice for free. All I had to do was provide my credit card information because they would automatically charge for for an annual subscription at the end of the three months.  Three for three for free! I made a mental note to cancel immediately  and took her up on this offer. I chose Real Simple, InStyle, and Food and Wine.

If you know me at all, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that I failed to cancel the free trial subscriptions. So, now I get Real Simple. (InStyle and Food and Wine, too.) And you know what? I kind of hate Real Simple. She reminds me of all the pretty mean girls I've hated and simultaneously wanted to be friends with. And she lies.

From this month - "How to Snack Smarter"

Ideas include 5 cherry tomatoes with 2 tablespoons of goat cheese, 2 teaspoons of almond butter on 1 slice of toast, and 1 rice cake with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter.

We could spend a lot of time talking about the ridiculously tiny portions, or how it doesn't seem like a great use of time or food to make chipotle yogurt, minty pea dip, or curried yogurt when you can only eat between 2 teaspoons - 2 tablespoons of each one. But are these really lies or just unreasonable expectations? Let's continue.

I had stupidly high hopes when I saw this part of the "How to Snack Smarter" feature:

Is Real Simple in my head?
I do pretty much all of these. The word or doesn't apply. I graze all day on junk because I'm sleepy and/or bored and it's whatever I have on hand. Because I bought it. Because I fucking love snacks, and junky snacks in particular. If I had a food journal, it would show that I consume copious amounts of potato chips, candy, cookies, ice cream, fruity wine, and sometimes homemade baked goods. My meals are sometimes healthy but also include bacon guacamole dogs, pasta in homemade cream sauce, and pulled pork sandwiches.

I thought I might see some of me reflected in the food journals of the three women with "very different challenges". The "boredom snacker" was a little inappropriately named, I thought. She says she has a hard time steering clear of treats for her kids. Treats(?) like honeyed almonds, raisin bran, and crackers with peanut butter. Um. The "impulse snacker" was more my style, but her descriptions did not include quantities. The "all-day snacker" eats things like yogurt, fruit, carrots, and grilled chicken all day. What a terrible habit! How will she ever break it?!

Hmm....could it be that these women LIED?! Yes, it could be because who in their right mind would let Real Simple publish their actual food journal?

Here are my suggestions, in red, for making these food journals entries, and thus the feature itself, more accurate:

Let's keep it one-hundred, shall we Real Simple (and her readers)?


  1. WHO CAN EAT TWO GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!? I get real simple too but usually avoid the food stuff!

  2. "...straight outta Snoop Dogg's mouth..."

    HILARIOUS. can't wait to see you next weekend! i hope we can we convince you to do a little improv reading for old times sake!

    1. I can't wait to see you either! It's been so many years! I will see what I can do. I hope it's like riding a bicycle.


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