IKEA Survival Tips

I lost my blogging momentum. AGAIN! I hear blogs are dead, so it probably doesn't matter much anway.

I'm having friends over next Saturday which has prompted me to (attempt to) complete many, many little projects around this apartment. One of which required a trip to IKEA. If you've ever been to IKEA, you know it can be a unique and strange hell on earth. Here are some tips for getting through it alive and with your personal relationships in tact.

That door is like a mouth, ready to eat you. via ikea.com

1. If possible, go alone. 
If you don't really need help, go by yourself. Don't take your children if you can help it. You can move more quickly and don't have to worry about the potential fatigue, hunger, irritability, or generally otherwise unpleasantness of your companions.

1a. If you do go with other people, don't feel obligated to stick together.  Unless the other people are children.
This is especially true if you and the people in your group shop at different paces. Make a loose plan about when/where you will meet up periodically and/or keep your phones on you with the volume on if you need to call and find each other. Large groups move at a glacier pace, irritating themselves and everyone around them.

2. Eat first. 

50 cents to save your life

I swear, even if you ate at home, grab one of those 50 cent hot dogs BEFORE you shop. It may be located by the exit, but you can just cut over and grab one and then go back inside. This way, you will avoid becoming one of those people slowly floating around in some sort of hot-dog deprived, low blood sugar fog, running into people at every turn. (See number three below)

3. Watch where you are going! (Also known as, stop and look at the roses)
It seems like you should be able to walk at a leisurely pace while browsing the selections, but this is simply not reality at IKEA. You will bump into people. Other people will bump into you. I like to pick a little out of the way corner, stop, look around and survey the scene, and then walk over to particular items that look good to me. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

4. Skip the showroom

Here is where you get to business.

If you are going to IKEA for a specific item, go straight to it. If it's furniture, just make sure you know everything you need to know before you get there. (See number six below) If you do need to go through the showroom, try to stay focused. Save your energy for the actual reason(s) you're there.

5. Go rogue
Yesterday the aisles were packed with people. Large families mostly, and tons of children. Everywheres. In most spots, the areas where furniture and other items were on display were pretty empty. I skipped the aisles and walked through the display areas. Much easier. When I got to the marketplace area, I went against the flow of people and started at the end. People tend to follow each other, and if you break from the masses, you'll have more space to yourself to look around.

6. Be willing to accept the consequences of shopping at IKEA in the first place
IKEA products notoriously lack specific instructions, and all it takes is a quick google of "IKEA fail" to see that assembling and installing IKEA pieces can be a disaster. For example, I thought I had done plenty of research on the Lack floating shelves. One thing I didn't research was the best way to hang them or the required screws and such so they don't come crashing down. Of course IKEA does not provide the screws as there are all different kinds of walls requiring different screws! Of course! Wouldn't it have been nice if this had occurred to me yesterday? If you have your eye on a particular item, get Google's take before you buy. If you make an impulse purchase, be ready for it to be a more involved project than you realized.

A strong but understandable stance

If your trip is still a disaster after taking my advice, you can join the band* of people who've determined IKEA to be satan.



*they are, in fact, a band. as in one that plays satanic and bluesy music. they might not actually consider IKEA to be satan. learn about them and see original pic courtesy of the Icelandic Music Mafia. My ability to link disappeared halfway through this post so go to http://icelandicmusicmaffia.blogspot.com/2011/03/music-alliance-pact-map-30-march-2011_15.html.  Furniture pick-up area pic from here http://phoenix.about.com/od/shoppingandservices/ss/IKEA_9.htm

Did I Burn My Leg For This?

Not a country song, though it should be.

I burned the shit out of my leg posing on a motorcycle, and all I got was an alright picture. (Coming up with different versions of this joke is one of my favorite things to do.)

A couples weeks ago, my office had its annual summer picnic. One of the newest people to join the office surprised us all by rolling up on a big, shiny Harley. He is a different breed than a lot of people here - a little flashy, a little loud, plenty outgoing, and young. For example, he has a ring that could be described as "bling".

Although some people here probably wasted no time in talking about him and his shiny Harley having ways behind his back (or on a blog), none of us had a problem with him using that Harley to provide music at the picnic.

It also took very little convincing for me to have no problem posing on it.

The motorcycle may be shiny but I'm shiny AND happy

Did you know that motorcycles get so hot that they can verrrrrrrrrry seriously burn you? It's true. Oh, what's that, you say you thought this was common knowledge? Not common enough, apparently.

It also turns out that I know very little about burns. It was a minor second-degree burn since it had some blistering, but the blister was pretty small. I bandaged it up, failing to think through my choice to let some of the sticky part of the bandage touch the discolored skin that was not blistering. When I went to take it off, a chunk of skin came with it. Now I have a crater on my leg in addition to a big circular patch of purple skin, which is now flaking off. Shaving my legs has proven quite difficult. And for those details, you're welcome!

I make bad choices. 

D-bag Retreat at Hermit Falls

Thank you, Mr. Romero, for the pic of your party times

"Did you got to Bass Lake?!"
Um, no, well...I thought I was going hiking. And swimming, but by the looks of it, yes? I did?


Let me tell you the story of how a hike led to inadvertent participation in a doucebag convention. A few days ago I wrote about my homesickness for Portland, Oregon. I find Oregon to be superior to California in almost every conceivable way, but my job and boo have anchored me in Southern California. (That's for anyone tempted to yell "then why don't you go back?!" at me.) As I mentioned, there is an abundance of concrete here in Southern California. You'd need to use both hands and feet to count the number of freeways in the area, and even city streets (in some areas) are huge, multi-lane monstrosities with speed limits nearing those of Oregon freeways.

California Dreamin'.

I admitted that unlike most Oregonians, I was never even all that outdoorsy. But in a lot of Portland neighborhoods, all you have to do to see some nature is step outside your door.

I'm in the forest!!

Unfortnately, the residential neighborhoods in 'SoCal', with their identical, generic landscaping and lack of mature trees, do nothing to satisfy my longing for the lush, green gardens and tree lined streets of my youth.

"Put concrete where the grass is and it's perfect" - boo, a hyper-Californian

In an effort to find things other than sunshine to appreciate about Southern California and surround myself with some foliage, I grabbed my boo and headed into the Angeles National Forest in the San Gabriel Mountains. The mission was to hike to one of Southern California's few fresh water swimming holes, complete with a little waterfall that doesn't even dry up in the summer! It only took us one hour to drive up to the trailhead at Chantry Flats, which is less time than it takes me to get to work everyday. The parking area was pretty crowded, and there were emergency vehicles everywhere. NBD. There were human traffic jams all along the trail, which was frustrating. As we walked, I noticed a lot more litter than I had anticipated, but I tried to ignore it and focus on the beautiful trees and creek.

Once we got to the actual swimming hole at Hermit Falls, my heart sank. It was like all the ugly stereotypes of what young Californians are like were playing out in front of my eyes! Not to mention the graffiti and litter everywhere, including where we were swimming. As U.S. Forest Service officials finished cutting down a hazardous tree, one summed up my thoughts by asking "what is this, the douchebag convention?" 

YES, IT WAS! Get to know the cast of characters in attendance:

As the aroma of mari-huana filled the warm afternoon air, drunk, stoned,  high, and/or otherwise generally idiotic people jumped from rocks anywhere from 15-60 feet from the water. Nevermind the fact that by 2 p.m. that day three people had been airlifted out after jumping. Nevermind the fact that someone is severely injured or killed there at least once a week, according to one of the officials I talked to.

Ugh. It was so gross. I finally gave in and swam a little, even going down the natural granite "slides" a couple times. The whole time I had this sense that we should leave before we witnessed someone fall to their death. How naive I was to think that I would be mostly surrounded by people who had come to the swimming hole for the same reason I did.

The search for enjoyment of California's natural splendor continues.

Let's Eat! Holiday Successes and Scary Looking Failures

I did a decent amount of cooking and baking this holiday season, but not all of it was successful. For example, although the cookies to the right were pretty adorable (toot, toot! that's the sound of me honking my own horn), they were kinda chewy. I'm not sure if I overworked the dough or if I didn't wrap them well enough before I iced them. There was a day between baking and icing. In any case, it wasn't my best work. The recipes are great, and I use them every Christmas. I think this was a case of user-error, so don't hesitate to give the recipes a try. They are from an old issue of Martha Stewart Living, but you can find them here on my mom's blog.

I didn't purchase any fancy treat boxes or tins for the cookies this year, especially since my boo has instructed me not to bring anything into his mother's house that might create more clutter. Every time I pass by the baskets and tins from years past, I get what he means. So instead, I put the cookies on a paper plate, wrapped some tissue paper around the plate, and tied it up with ribbon from Michael's. Ribbon from Michael's brings me a very strange amount of joy. Inside that little package sits shortbread wedges, sugar cookies with royal icing, and a little bag of truffles. See below for the shortbread recipe.

I must say, the truffles were a huge hit. I didn't have the alcohol called for by the recipe, but I did have some Cointreau and cherry brandy. I decided to divide the batch in half and make two flavors. Unfortunately, my eyeballing skills are lacking, and I didn't divide it into two equal parts. The Cointreau batch didn't have enough Cointreau, but the cherry brandy batch was a huge hit. Very delicious. There's my boo to the left, carefully rolling the cooled chocolate into balls. It's messy work, and he did it all while I cooked for Christmas Eve dinner!

You might be wondering where the scary looking failures are. The sugar cookies were an internal failure (too chewy, oh, and my first batch, too done), and the truffles clearly a success. Well, before I get to it, take a look at the one cute-packing-purchase I did make. Striped treat bags! Those pictured are cookie bags for my coworkers, but the truffles were put in similar bags and tied at the top with a ribbon. For these, I folded the bags, punched holes in the flap, and strung pieces of ribbon through to tie them up. Now, the ugly.

The in-progress picture of my green bean casserole and scalloped potatoes is here. The image of the finished product is buried deep within the darkest depths of my memory. You will have to trust my description because I will never allow you to see it.


Look at those fresh green beans, cooking away in organic vegetable stock while the onions carmelized in the pan! Or take a look at the layers and layers of potatoes just waiting for boo to get back from the store with the rest of the heavy cream! What could go wrong? EV. ER. Y. THING. Within moments of snapping this picture, I noticed that the potatoes were rapidly changing color. They had only been sliced a short while before, and although I know that potatoes can turn all funky colors after being exposed to oxygen (I think that's the deal), I never knew it could happen so quickly.

By the time I got them in the oven some were grey. I also think we sliced them way too thinly. It's possible there were too many and the cream should have covered the top layer completely. This was my first time making these by myself, and let me tell you, they sure didn't look like my grandma's. I didn't quite have enough cheese to cover the top, so the ugly bits weren't covered up. Then I took them to my boo's mom's house where they were heated and reheated at least twice. The green beans were fine except for all the reheating. By the time we ate everything, the top layer of the potatoes looked black, they were oily, and the beans were completely shriveled. Such a fail.

I think my biggest success was one I didn't get a picture of, naturally. Chipotle Bacon Deviled Eggs on New Year's Eve. Everyone agreed they were bomb. I had little knowledge of how to successfully boil and peel eggs, so finding this was a big help.

Maybe I was like a Top Chef contestant cooking his protein three ways or making an extra dish when he doesn't have to. I did too much and ended up doing few things well. Bummer.

*Here is the recipe for the shortbread, courtesy of my mom and her good sense to hold onto that Martha Stewart Living issue from nearly 10 years ago.

Shortbread Cookie Recipe - Makes 3 dozen

1 pound (4 sticks) unsalted butter (doesn't say softened but we think it should be)
1 cup firmly packed light-brown sugar
5 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Heat oven to 275. Grease three 8-inch springform pans. (I have only one 9-inch springform pan, so I did it in batches. I only got two batches out of the dough.) In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar on medium-high speed until light and creamy, about 2 minutes. Add vanilla and beat. Add flour and salt, beginning on low speed and increasing to medium, until flour is just combined.

2. Divide dough evenly among prepared pans. Using a spatula, spread dough out to edges of pan, making sure the tops are smooth and level. (Know that "spreading" the dough did not happen for me. The dough is not super easy to work with, and I had to use my knuckles to press it into the pan. As a result, the whole smooth and level thing didn't really work out.)

3. Lightly score dough in each pan into 12 equal wedges. (My mom uses a 10" bamboo skewer cut to the width of the pan and pressed it into the dough. I do the same. However, I did 16 equal wedges. Since my pan was a little bigger, this worked out fine, but with an 8-inch pan it would probably be a stretch.) Prick a pattern into each wedge with the tins of a fork.

4. Bake until shortbread is dry and barely golden, about 50 minutes. (I think mine was a bit overdone.) Cool on a wire rack. Using a sharp knife, follow the score marks to cut into neat wedges.

Christmas Traditions: Packages Tied up With String

This year's tree with all the presents that weren't sent direct by Amazon!

Many years ago, my mom incorporated beautifully wrapped gifts with delightful fabric ribbon into our Christmas traditions. That first year she did so, I also remember that the area surrounding our tree was positively bursting with a bounty of gifts. If I am remembering correctly, it was difficult to enter the living room through the hall doorway because there were giant stacks of presents blocking the way. Looking back on it, that year must have really broken the bank, but it also created some very special memories for me that I try to emulate every year.

A stack of presents for my family

I get a little nuts about gift wrapping.* I also get a little nuts about the Christmas tree, both the decorating and the placement of the gifts below. I always want it to look just so. Over time, it has become a bit of a tradition to photograph the tree with all the beautiful presents carefully arranged beneath and beside it. Unfortunately, I won't be able to carry on this tradition at my parents' home as I'll be missing Christmas in Oregon for the first time in my life. As difficult and sad as that is, after five years of holidays apart, my boo and I are now alternating holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) with our families. It's the right thing to do, but it's still not easy.

Leeeetle, tiny presents with ribbon "scarves"

I miss my entire family, but I've realized that I'm particularly missing my mom. I think she and I are the most attached to our Christmas traditions. Most of the other family members probably wouldn't miss the careful wrapping on the gifts, the cookies, or the tree photo. Even though we'll have to be apart every other Christmas from now on, I hope we'll both continue our traditions--even if we are 1,000 miles apart.

Now, this blog wouldn't be adequately unenthused without a little snark. This year I splurged on some hipstery, overpriced wrapping paper that I was VERY enthused about! Then I discovered I had not purchased rolls of paper. I had purchased three sets of TWO FREAKING SHEETS of paper, wrapped around a cardboard roll. They weren't big enough to cover the boxes I had, and even if they had been, it would have only covered six presents. Six out of a gazillion.

Inspiration for next year via

Next year I am going to make smarter choices. I love the look of the gifts above. That ribbon is great! I think I am going to stock up on solid rolls that I can use during other seasons as well. I also like stacking gifts that are going to the same person/household. When sending via UPS, it's not an efficient use of space. Next year!

*I refused to send the gifts to my family in Oregon until every gift (including for friends and my in-laws) had been purchased, wrapped, and placed under the tree. I had to get my picture! As a result, I spent, like, half a plane ticket on shipping. Told you. Crazy.